Over the course of time since I first began blogging on 'Life at Wandering Bear Farm' my life has changed little. It's still full of adventure, travels, pipe dreams, highs, lows, chaos, loss, and totally unexpected fun that I seem to have a knack for finding. That being said I was forced to make a couple changes in my life again in October 2011. I had to leave the Land of Enchantment and move back to Denver. I left behind a few very sweet, caring, and generous friends who I try hard to still keep in touch with. I miss them a lot and I left a bit of my heart in the Northern part of the state around Abiqui, Santa Fe, and Albuquerque. It was a gut wrenching and depressing decision that I still hurt, struggle over, and wish I could change yesterday. But it was a decision that was pretty much a given. It just had to be done. It's not that I don't care for Colorado or Denver anymore because I do. Now I just hate city life. Being back in the city feels like being caged and smothered. I've lived in much bigger metro areas before this. Seattle, Chelsea - NYC, Atlanta, New Orleans, and Ft. Lauderdale and they make Denver look like a small spot on the map at times. But back then I was a man who had no idea what I truly wanted in life. I was shallow, full of facades (mostly those of self-protection and preservation), ignorant about the world, misguided, and misdirected, and at times depressingly alone and lost. I have no regrets about my previous life and adventures and I am fine with that. But I do have some embarrassment over some of what I did during that time.
Five years ago when I moved to Denver from Atlanta with one of my few friends I had at the time I found my niche' in the United States. Barry found himself. And a long time dream came true. And I ran with it like an unfenced antelope that I've seen out here racing across the prairie and high deserts in this vast region. This "matured" version has reverted to a country loving man. I'm the example they use when they say: "You can take the man out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the man". I've been In Denver about nine months this time around and each morning I wish I was waking up in the country. I loath city life now, not the city. The crazy drivers, arrogance, attitudes, unfriendliness, class barriers, social stigmas, bigotry, racism, the crime, and the noise. Of course it doesn't help that I live in an city that although does have agricultural properties zoned in I don't live in those zones. So the fact I can't be surrounded by my goats, chickens, alpacas, horses, and other pets drives me crazy. However even though I am in this situation I am bound and determined to live in the country once again. Unless I am deemed crazy and thrown into an institution, NOTHING nor NO ONE, will stop me from that goal to again retreat to the tranquil settings I love dearly. City life this time around has given me this uneasy feeling that I lost myself in the chaos of it all. Like I have been swallowed by a monster in my nightmares. That needs to be rectified sooner than later! At least I can say at this point of my stay in Denver I am headed in the right direction. I have missed blogging (OK, maybe a bit of bragging too) about the fun and the adventures I have out here. I get do a lot of these adventures with friends here. But I love share it all through the blog with my dear surrogate family I have in Mississippi, Tennessee, Vermont, my close friends in Alabama and Georgia and others in the U.S., and then those followers all over the world. When I get an email saying "Just read your latest blog. I loved it and I am so envious! I can't wait to hear about your next adventure! Love you very much!" it gives me a sense of pleasure that for a fleeting moment I have taken you on the journey and given you the chance to be there with me. Although I don't have the most secure and stable lifestyle I make the best of it that I can. For me to share the stories with you is priceless to me. With the help of my closest friends, smother mothers, and surrogate family just lately I have begun to get my head straight (or as straight as mine can get-LOL!) and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Happiness has finally begun to creep back into an otherwise bleak, very dark, and very uncertain future. I have the sense again that although health is at times an issue I can deal with it, overcome life changing diagnosis, and move on. I constantly hear from my friends and family "No matter what happens to you always seem to land on your feet". And as hard as it is to admit at my darkest hours, and there have been plenty, it's clearly true. Some of you closest to me have no idea just in the last year how much help in all kinds of ways you have been to me ... NO idea. And saying "Thank you" will never be enough. SO with all that said, it is high time I try to spend more time doing the stuff I love and get my sorry butt back into blogging (and bragging) again. I think for the time being the adventures might be a bit tamer and I won't be as prolific because of many distractions I am juggling right now. But I want to again try to resurrect that pleasure I had sharing my life out here in the amazing West with all of you. The journeys, the adventures, the dreams, and the often pretty elusive quests, have been suppressed and it's time to get them back out, dust them off, pursue them again. I need to resume banging away at that ever growing "Bucket List" I have. If you can't join me, are too afraid, are a couch potato, or clearly just not as crazy as me, then sit back and wait for the next notice that a new blog has been posted. Just know that me sharing it is as close as I can get to having you all by my side as I let the wind and my destiny carry me through the next adventure.
Much love to you all,
~B.
